been so long since i've written here.
basically because work is very busy and things' been lined up everyday for me.

JMC is officially finished! it's a Joint Mission Conference for all the alliance churches across Canada that's held every 4 years. This year I helped out with the music worship with the NRAC team. I must admit, right now I miss it very much!!! Just getting up every morning to eat and sing and rest, then eat and sing and rest, then eat and sing and rest was the best 5 days!!!

I thank God for His guidance throughout this half a year of practice with a team that I had no association with before, yet everything came together so smoothly and nicely -- brothers and sisters supported each other through prayers, everyone worked hard on their own part, and everyone was serving with one heart. It's an amazing experience and an amazing team!!

Throughout the conference, I've learned to work closely with God, following His voice. At first, it was quite intimitating because the congregation consists of a lot of pastors and older christians, so i felt "what is it that you have to say to them? Afterall, they are so much more experienced than you!!". But God comforted me with words from a close sister of mine. He told me "perhaps these pastors are tired and need someone like you who doesn't work in this "circle" to reinspire them." With that, I pressed on and just sang and play the way I usually do without pressure.

The first night was intimitating/excited/scary, etc all in one. There were 1300+ in the congregation and I was the first to lead the evening worship, PLUS i had to speak mandarin and English. I was scared cuz  I felt my mandarin was iffy. But as soon as people started worshipping, the feeling of so many people praising together was amazing!  And as the days went on, it was more and more comfortable to be on the stage.

I remembered before leaving for the conference, I prayed hard to God, asking Him to not let my pride get in the way of serving because I was afriad of people's opinions and negative feedback about how the team sang or played, but it turns out people loved what we sang and played and were able to enjoy the worship and be touched by the Holy Spirit. This was a twist that I didn't expect and so suddenly one night I felt the urge to pray to God to not let Satan use my pride against me, expect this time is to no boast in myself. Once again, I reminds of how great the power of prayer is and how important it is to pray in a ministry/service.

All in all, it's been a wonderful experience that I cannot type everything down in words.
I thank God for this wonderful conference!
and now i'm off to a week of vacation. hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha.

God loves me.
The fact that God loves me has never been this apparent until tonight.

Yesterday, I got so frustrated at things in life, I lashed out my anger on God.
I told him " I hate you! Leave me alone! I can do things on my own so just leave me alone"
I don't want to pray. I don't want to read Bible. I don't want to do anything that's related to him!
I spent my day crying, sitting, drawing a blank, thinking about my past.

Tonight, it once again occurs to me that God loves me very much.
He knows I'm rebellious and He still loves me.
He knows I'm giving him attitude and just fighting and struggling with Him.
But being the Almighty that He is, he doesn't force me to stop.
He lets me throw my temper tantrums, He lets me yell all I want, He lets me be frustrated at Him.
He lets me do all that I feel I need to do.
All He does, is put a bubble around me to keep me safe.
All He does, is cover me with His love and His presence and tells me "I am here when you are ready"
His words from the Bible is so gentle.
When I'm angry at Him, he doesn't use his usual tough, teaching voice that tells me what to do. He uses His gentleness and quietness while I lash out my anger and disappointment and sadness and frustration at Him.
He takes it all. Just like how He took in all the insults people threw at Him when He was on earth.
He was quiet. 

As pastor Yu said on Sunday, God is everywhere. I was very stressed out when I heard this because i felt, "I just want to get away from you for a second. just a second! leave me alone! but why won't you leave me alone!" And tonight I realized the reason he won't leave me alone is because He loves me and He wants to keep me safe while I am being the child that I am and just venture off and try to do things my way or get hurt without myself knowing.

Tonight, I know that other than God, I have no way out. God is my only way out. He is my only rock, my pillar, my strength, my savior. He is my only Father in Heaven. He is the source of ultimate agape love. 

God loves me!

I've realized it's harder to be a grown-up than I thought.
I've realized tonight that in order to do the work of God, I must first learn to be able to handle things of my own without stressing.
I have reminded myself again no matter how much your parents yell at you or say discouraging things to you when problems arise, it is an act that shows they care and love you. Yes, it may not be the best way (and i hope i won't do this to my kids if i have any in the future), but it is their way to show they care.

This accident has given me a great kick start to 2009: learn to be a responsible grown-up.

It's so interesting to see the dilemma in me and my parents.
My parents want me to grow up but at the same time wants to protect me.
Isn't the chemistry of family interesting? sigh.
it's interesting to see how one thing get stirred up then other gets stirred up too.
like now that I'm changing into an adult, my parents are adjusting to having another adult at home.